I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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