Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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