I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
