matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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