i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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