just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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