he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
