So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
