Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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