I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
