i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
