I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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