dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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