So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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