so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
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