When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
