sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Randomize