Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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