Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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