mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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