i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize