Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
