I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
