Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
