All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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