Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We got so high we made milksteak
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize