She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
