My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
