I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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