so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
