Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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