She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
