my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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