I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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