i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
is this the sara with the beer cane?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
