I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Randomize
