Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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