in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
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