I'm so fucking centered right now
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
