A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
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