You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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