Your face is a jimmy john
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Randomize
