I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
