if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
