she takes plan B like it's going out of style
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
