Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize