At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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