i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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