How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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