Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
