did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
