i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize