This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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