ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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