my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
