ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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