I think my fart just growled at me.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
