I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
