I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
