the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
