Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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