Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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